i ponder things. especially when i am not busy. especially when my brain (what little of it there is left) has the “time” to wander off in to the nebulous of unnecessary thoughts and concerns.
my parents told me straight up to my face that it is their personal goal as i turn 28 and approach closer to 30 to find me a girlfriend.
i see many problems with this.
1. they never asked me if i wanted a girlfriend. maybe i want two girlfriends. why not 3? (just kidding, my problem is the lack of consensus and discussion)
2. they are assuming what is “good for me” at this age and the set “korean ultra asian vain conservative expectations”. again build on #1
3. they are going to pre-determine what is good for me and this “girl” – based on what they know about her
4. why is it a concern that i am not in a serious relationship at 28? maybe because of #2.
5. there is never a question of whether “i” or the “girl” are ready.
6. her “goodness” will based on criteria i know is going to be laughable (not to say my own are really any better). which is worse? wanting a girl with nice legs (me) or wanting a girl who is tall (only because my mother thinks it looks bad when i am with a short girl) and makes good money which = “bright future” (parents))
7. the pressure that will mount when i decide that i don’t like her. i mean in reality i hate anything my parents want me to do. it has always been that way. i hate what they like and love things they hate. i blame that on poor upbringing and some issues of the child/parent relationship that have left some deep scars (but not be covered in this post since it is private and just a shitload of information to ponder and digest). unless this girl looks like jarah or arden…she will be fighting an uphill battle (this is assuming she even likes me….but i always assume this. i mean come on. i am a 6’1″ korean dude that is pretty darn sexy and after 6 months of dieting and lifting will be irresistible). basically she will = another attempt by the parents to control me. no thanks.
so then i began to think…
you know what. (yeah, i’m going to tell you)…haha
i have a theory. i theory at this point that needs testing and that will be my life. unfortunately a preliminary conclusion will not be available until i am at least 35.
the prime age for dating and marriage is 22 – 26 and then like 31 – 35 (basically a 5 year window right after college and then a 5 year window after you are 30). (tolerance margin +/- 1.5 years)
now why. of course i will explain why. my though process. follow me now on this ride to “holy crap james might actually be on to something here”…”he isn’t just a goofball but a genius cloaked in 6 foot korean sexiness and man beauty”
why 22 – 26. well you are young. you think you know what you want but you really don’t know or have a clue. life really has not hit you yet. i mean real life. life working and learning about the world. life meaning being dumped into the working world with no real parameters other than your own. you vs. the world life. life where the horizon is unclear and as wide as can be. you think you know what happiness is. you think you know what happiness looks like.
you think you know what you want. you mind is racing for stability and answered questions. i mean let’s face it. we are impatient. we want answers now. especially today when information is available as it happens. i mean you can freakin tweet exactly what the fuck you are doing right now and thousands of people will be notified.
like: “holy crap, i think i just made a profound life altering thought” boom. followers know. dam. that is such narcissism. followers. what the freak are you? how important could you possible be that i must “follow” you. fucking a. what is this world coming to. anyways. i digress.
so. you think marriage or relationship will answer some of those questions. you get married to at least “check one item off the list” <— i need to not excessively use quotations…
hope of some stability. you think you know what you want. but you really don’t. you think you are an adult…but really you are only beginning to scratch the surface.
(disclaimer: this is not for ALL people. obviously there are exceptions and it is different for all people. consider this post more of a self-critique…and if i am going through this dilemma…i am sure there is at least one other person that is also)
why 31 – 35. because at this point in your life, hopefully the career thing is more figured out and what you are, what you want to be and who you are are really coming together. it may not be all perfectly put together or all complete…but you definitely have a better sense of what you want, what is important to you and who you are then say 22 – 26.
now all these personal factors translate into the person you are looking for. i mean if you are mess…the person you find is going to be a mess.
obviously the 31 – 35 mindset is better than the 22 – 26. there is more life behind you to support your decision making. there is more behind you so you are more aware of what is ahead.
and you enter into a relationship and/or get married in those two ranges because i believe they are the most emotionally and intellectually heightened for dating/marriage.
22 – 26 because, what else are you going to do? everything else is a big question.
31 – 35 because you are more sure of what you want. you can target better.
so why not 27 – 30? my theory is because once you hit that age your social and work circumstance makes it difficult do you to. by 27 you are so far removed from college and your “go to” social circles that you just don’t meet any new people. this period is also a career defining period so there is more emphasis and concentration on that since there are no lady or guy distractions. plus you have kinda given up. at least a little. this is time for great career trajectory.
by your early thirties, career has flattened a bit and so your trajectory has come down. you have entered into the “i have to put my years in” stage. your friends who are already married (ironically from the 22 – 27 bracket) are starting to worry for you so they are getting you out there with their 31 – 35 year old single friends. you realize more what is important in the person you want to date and your spouse. you know more of what you like and don’t like. there is simply more substance.
of course this argument only works if you assume you are maturing and growing as a person as you get older. that is certainly a basis for this entire hypothesis.
those are my thoughts for now.
so as i enter into that odd stage…i think i am ready to put my career on a greater trajectory and focus on that. once i reach the desirable level…then i will re-visit. more mature. more sure.
as for now. i still don’t know what i want. i think i do. nice legs. just kidding. not really.
