i’ve always enjoyed running. it started in high school when i was asked to join the cross country team. of course my first reaction was: “what the fuck is cross country?” “i don’t want to ski on flat land. that shit sounds boring.”
well, i was completely wrong about the flat skiing part. i ended up loving it. i did track, became a mediocre runner/track star and my career ended in injuries like all the other athletic greats such as greg oden, Gheorghe Muresan, Manute Bol.
I loved the liberating feel that running brought. No one but myself, my thoughts. no one could bother me…well except the guy in front of me who I was trying to pass….
No judgement from others. I was alone. If i failed (except for relays), I only failed myself.
now this post is not to described my prestigious track career…
i fast forward almost 10 years.
i am working in consulting. who knew 10 years later i’d be doing what i do now? ha. funny how life is.
i guess in past 6 months, i have also been “running” but in a different sense. work has been so busy the past 6-7 months that i have not had time to think about or really do much for myself personally. the past 3 months have been pretty good in terms of keeping busy. flying 3,000 miles each way from Boston to LA for work. working 60+ hours a week.
it’s been nice. running in a different sense. not worrying about anything else because there is no time to. you appreciate what little time you have to yourself and make the most of it. i felt supremely productive.
but i cannot help but beg to ask: “what am i running from?”
maybe it is just naturally ingrained in my genes that i must be busy to function properly. i cannot be idle. working 40 hours a week is not an option. otherwise i mentally drive myself crazy. in essence, i must run from myself, my thoughts.
this does sound a little ridiculous. but also ridiculously closer to the truth than i can imagine.
just like in high school, and even now, i find ways to just run from myself. to leave things behind.
my mind can take me to some bizarre places. i am really good at tormenting myself and my soul with my mind.
now that my project is over, i am now again at the mercy of my mind with free time. don’t get me wrong. i do appreciate the downtime, but i must also remain busy somehow.
i do have a slight fear in the back of my mind that i might become depressed again. angry. too anxious and therefore depressed. angry because i am depressed.
but at the same time, i do need a mental break. this project did take toll on me both physically and mentally and i am glad it is over. but i also knew this was coming and i did not want my “travel and busy” high to end.
i guess i’ve learned a lot about myself the past 3 months. i’ve also learned in a lot of ways not much has changed in 10 years in some sense….
here’s to the future.
