it’s a funny thing.

when i meet new ladies and become intrigued and attracted to a new lady….she is almost always taken.

meaning she has a boyfriend or is married.

now. i don’t know why this is, but i believe it is the effect “being taken” has the confidence this instills in the person. guy or girl…something about being taken exudes a certain level of confidence and assurance of oneself.

i am not saying i am a master of detecting this, but i gravitate towards confidence. i enjoy being around confident people.

am i confident. not really. i am confident that most of my farts will smell bad. but self confidence is not easy to come by for me.

i love confident girls. what can i say.

too bad they are taken.

maybe i need more confidence to attract a confident girl. i am getting more confident as i get older.

so in due time perhaps.

prime time.

i ponder things. especially when i am not busy. especially when my brain (what little of it there is left) has the “time” to wander off in to the nebulous of unnecessary thoughts and concerns.

my parents told me straight up to my face that it is their personal goal as i turn 28 and approach closer to 30 to find me a girlfriend.

i see many problems with this.

1. they never asked me if i wanted a girlfriend. maybe i want two girlfriends. why not 3? (just kidding, my problem is the lack of consensus and discussion)

2. they are assuming what is “good for me” at this age and the set “korean ultra asian vain conservative expectations”. again build on #1

3. they are going to pre-determine what is good for me and this “girl” – based on what they know about her

4. why is it a concern that i am not in a serious relationship at 28? maybe because of #2.

5. there is never a question of whether “i” or the “girl” are ready.

6. her “goodness” will based on criteria i know is going to be laughable (not to say my own are really any better). which is worse? wanting a girl with nice legs (me) or wanting a girl who is tall (only because my mother thinks it looks bad when i am with a short girl) and makes good money which = “bright future” (parents))

7. the pressure that will mount when i decide that i don’t like her. i mean in reality i hate anything my parents want me to do. it has always been that way. i hate what they like and love things they hate. i blame that on poor upbringing and some issues of the child/parent relationship that have left some deep scars (but not be covered in this post since it is private and just a shitload of information to ponder and digest). unless this girl looks like jarah or arden…she will be fighting an uphill battle (this is assuming she even likes me….but i always assume this. i mean come on. i am a 6’1″ korean dude that is pretty darn sexy and after 6 months of dieting and lifting will be irresistible). basically she will = another attempt by the parents to control me. no thanks.

so then i began to think…

you know what. (yeah, i’m going to tell you)…haha

i have a theory. i theory at this point that needs testing and that will be my life. unfortunately a preliminary conclusion will not be available until i am at least 35.

the prime age for dating and marriage is 22 – 26 and then like 31 – 35 (basically a 5 year window right after college and then a 5 year window after you are 30). (tolerance margin +/- 1.5 years)

now why. of course i will explain why. my though process. follow me now on this ride to “holy crap james might actually be on to something here”…”he isn’t just a goofball but a genius cloaked in 6 foot korean sexiness and man beauty”

why 22 – 26. well you are young. you think you know what you want but you really don’t know or have a clue. life really has not hit you yet. i mean real life. life working and learning about the world. life meaning being dumped into the working world with no real parameters other than your own. you vs. the world life. life where the horizon is unclear and as wide as can be. you think you know what happiness is. you think you know what happiness looks like.

you think you know what you want. you mind is racing for stability and answered questions. i mean let’s face it. we are impatient. we want answers now. especially today when information is available as it happens. i mean you can freakin tweet exactly what the fuck you are doing right now and thousands of people will be notified.

like: “holy crap, i think i just made a profound life altering thought” boom. followers know. dam. that is such narcissism. followers. what the freak are you? how important could you possible be that i must “follow” you. fucking a. what is this world coming to. anyways. i digress.

so. you think marriage or relationship will answer some of those questions. you get married to at least “check one item off the list” <— i need to not excessively use quotations…

hope of some stability. you think you know what you want. but you really don’t. you think you are an adult…but really you are only beginning to scratch the surface.

(disclaimer: this is not for ALL people. obviously there are exceptions and it is different for all people. consider this post more of a self-critique…and if i am going through this dilemma…i am sure there is at least one other person that is also)

why 31 – 35. because at this point in your life, hopefully the career thing is more figured out and what you are, what you want to be and who you are are really coming together. it may not be all perfectly put together or all complete…but you definitely have a better sense of what you want, what is important to you and who you are then say 22 – 26.

now all these personal factors translate into the person you are looking for. i mean if you are mess…the person you find is going to be a mess.

obviously the 31 – 35 mindset is better than the 22 – 26. there is more life behind you to support your decision making. there is more behind you so you are more aware of what is ahead.

and you enter into a relationship and/or get married in those two ranges because i believe they are the most emotionally and intellectually heightened for dating/marriage.

22 – 26 because, what else are you going to do? everything else is a big question.

31 – 35 because you are more sure of what you want. you can target better.

so why not 27 – 30? my theory is because once you hit that age your social and work circumstance makes it difficult do you to. by 27 you are so far removed from college and your “go to” social circles that you just don’t meet any new people. this period is also a career defining period so there is more emphasis and concentration on that since there are no lady or guy distractions. plus you have kinda given up. at least a little. this is time for great career trajectory.

by your early thirties, career has flattened a bit and so your trajectory has come down. you have entered into the “i have to put my years in” stage. your friends who are already married (ironically from the 22 – 27 bracket) are starting to worry for you so they are getting you out there with their 31 – 35 year old single friends. you realize more what is important in the person you want to date and your spouse. you know more of what you like and don’t like. there is simply more substance.

of course this argument only works if you assume you are maturing and growing as a person as you get older. that is certainly a basis for this entire hypothesis.

those are my thoughts for now.

so as i enter into that odd stage…i think i am ready to put my career on a greater trajectory and focus on that. once i reach the desirable level…then i will re-visit. more mature. more sure.

as for now. i still don’t know what i want. i think i do. nice legs. just kidding. not really.

half full.

i was at the gym on sunday.

i could not help notice the dude lifting on the bench next to me. i mean he was 6’3″ and pretty big. but he also made a ton of noise lifting the weights and he would hype himself up before each set.

it was both hilarious and intimidating.

so i thought: how come i don’t lift with such determination?

do i do anything with such determination?

the last time i remember was just trying to smash furniture that was to be thrown away.

i think i am missing that killer edge. that determination. that tim tebow factor. hahaha.

how does one work on building that killer competitive edge? i definitely fear it as i have been on the receiving end of it since my youth. but for some bizarre reason, i never really developed it.

in other words, i grew up a big wimp.

time to become a man. time to get some killer confidence.

running.

i’ve always enjoyed running. it started in high school when i was asked to join the cross country team. of course my first reaction was: “what the fuck is cross country?” “i don’t want to ski on flat land. that shit sounds boring.”

well, i was completely wrong about the flat skiing part. i ended up loving it. i did track, became a mediocre runner/track star and my career ended in injuries like all the other athletic greats such as greg oden, Gheorghe Muresan, Manute Bol.

I loved the liberating feel that running brought. No one but myself, my thoughts. no one could bother me…well except the guy in front of me who I was trying to pass….

No judgement from others. I was alone. If i failed (except for relays), I only failed myself.

now this post is not to described my prestigious track career…

i fast forward almost 10 years.

i am working in consulting. who knew 10 years later i’d be doing what i do now? ha. funny how life is.

i guess in past 6 months, i have also been “running” but in a different sense. work has been so busy the past 6-7 months that i have not had time to think about or really do much for myself personally. the past 3 months have been pretty good in terms of keeping busy. flying 3,000 miles each way from Boston to LA for work. working 60+ hours a week.

it’s been nice. running in a different sense. not worrying about anything else because there is no time to. you appreciate what little time you have to yourself and make the most of it. i felt supremely productive.

but i cannot help but beg to ask: “what am i running from?”

maybe it is just naturally ingrained in my genes that i must be busy to function properly. i cannot be idle. working 40 hours a week is not an option. otherwise i mentally drive myself crazy. in essence, i must run from myself, my thoughts.

this does sound a little ridiculous. but also ridiculously closer to the truth than i can imagine.

just like in high school, and even now, i find ways to just run from myself. to leave things behind.

my mind can take me to some bizarre places. i am really good at tormenting myself and my soul with my mind.

now that my project is over, i am now again at the mercy of my mind with free time. don’t get me wrong. i do appreciate the downtime, but i must also remain busy somehow.

i do have a slight fear in the back of my mind that i might become depressed again. angry. too anxious and therefore depressed. angry because i am depressed.

but at the same time, i do need a mental break. this project did take toll on me both physically and mentally and i am glad it is over. but i also knew this was coming and i did not want my “travel and busy” high to end.

i guess i’ve learned a lot about myself the past 3 months. i’ve also learned in a lot of ways not much has changed in 10 years in some sense….

here’s to the future.

nose gold.

you know. the air in LA has to be at least 40% more polluted than boston.

the amount of boogers that accumulate in my nose and therefore need to be picked with my finger has grown at least 40% – 50%.

it is amazing. nothing like picking my nose after a tough day at work.

there is something really calming about it.

plus you get real results from all your digging efforts.

 

life on hold.

so i have been traveling a mucho for work as of late. i have been in LA for 3 weeks straight and after spending a week in boston, i will be back in LA for another 3 weeks and probably another 3 weeks or so after that.

then if this project gets extended…then the possibilities of being on the road grow more.

i must say, the traveling is kinda cool. i thought i would be sick of it by now but i am not. i mean being on a plane for 5+ hours one way is not the most ideal situation to be in, but it helps i fly the “roomier” option above economy.

otherwise. i would have probably punched in the face whoever was sitting next to me regardless of age, gender or religious beliefs. my face punching does not discriminate. i am an equal rights face puncher.

anyways. i digress.

on top of the travel and travel does not just end with the plane. there is getting to the airport. getting on and off the place. making your way through the terminal and taking a cab ride to your final destination. it add up. time is consumed in abundant amounts.

then there is the work. you get in early. you get out late. eat dinner with some co-workers. before you know it is like 9pm at the earliest. you day probably started around 7am. this is also assuming you get out of work at a reasonable time…

after dinner, you are so amped up from work and after being surrounded by people for so long, you need a method to de-stress and normalize yourself.

i like to hit the gym. then boom. bed and time to start all over.

the week goes on and it is time to travel back. your whole friday is wiped out so travel. sunday is a travel day. so that basically leaves saturday as your free day.

a day to get your life in order and catch up on the “personal items”

but usually i am so tired…there really is not much catching up.

in fact. the last weekend i was back in boston…i just had to do something different. so i went to ikea. i didn’t really need to go, although i had to reason to search for some missing parts.

stuff at ikea is cheap but that is how they get you to spend….i went to get some missing bookshelf pegs. walked away spending close to $200. good one ikea. you got me and i will probably fall for it again the next time i visit.

so i guess my point is, you life pretty much has to be put on hold. i can’t really commit to anything outside of work.

it’s not bad and i am not complaining. merely presenting reality as it is. there is not hollywood ending or an amazing epiphany. maybe later on when i meet my hot and extremely wealthy hollywood princess wife. or maybe i realize all our lives in one way or another is on hold….hahaha

but life goes on. i am actually ok with putting my life on hold for my career. maybe all the events that have culminated to this point happened for this particular realization. all the hiccups. all the past failures and triumphs have drawn me sitting at my laptop and typing down these thoughts.

maybe. maybe not.

all i know is, putting career first right now seems like the most right thing to do to me now.

maybe then, in fact, that is not putting life on hold but starting a new chapter.

control.

you know. there really isn’t all that much you can control in life.

mainly because your action must result in a reaction. a lot of times, you will have absolutely no control of the reaction. however, you can control the environment in which the reaction takes place and for good or bad, be as best prepared are you can.

sounds logical right?

life is full of variables and really x+y might not equal z. you might find somehow it is actually equal to i or even worse. u. everyone hates u.

anyways. so how to control the environment. in any good science experiment, we try to prepare as best as we can for the unpredictable. safety goggles. safety glass. fire extinguishers. cure serum in a assume container. you name it.

same goes for our events in life if you think about it. all life really is, one grand experiment after another.

example: let me go to talk to that girl. girl’s reaction is uncertain. control environment – you dressed as best as you could, took a couple shots of and J name liquor and hopefully are doing this in a social environment (e.g. a funeral would be a terrible control environment for this experiment).

example: sure the food smells kinda funny but you figure you cook it enough all the bad will cook away. stomach’s reaction is uncertain. control environment – remain within a clench and run distance to a toilet.

even things we are certain with at the time can have unexpected reactions. if i buy this expensive item. i will be happy. turns out. not really. and you could live without it just fine.

the only thing we really have control is to best prepare for the worst.

now i can take it to the holy route and talk about scripture and prayer being the foundation for an unwavering faith. but my faith will always waver.

i can take the more practical route and tell you to never try anything with high risks but let’s face: the term high risk equals high reward exists for a very real reason.

so now what?

learn to live life with the ebb and flows. be able to laugh at the bad and be grateful for the good and i think you won’t be a terrible shape.

perhaps the reason i do not feel like i’ve had any good positive “reactions” in my life since graduation is because i need to learn to laugh at life more and learn to deal with the bad. i am not sure if this means there is plenty more of “bad reactions” to come, but it will certainly teach me to enjoy the good more.

well. hopefully.

i don’t know. something that just dawned on me. as i sat. just laughing at how ridiculous everything just is. my problems are not real problems.

ha. ha. ha.

 

i want to.

become a rapper.

i feel like i can express my emotions best as a hip hop rapper.

my rhymes combined with my emotions will turn the mic into a beautiful gangster sonata.

i picture myself in a white tank. with a towel in one hand (because i sweat a lot). my mic in the other. angrily rapping into the mic. “fuck this” “fuck that” “bullshit” asshole” “i’m rich biatch”. just angry. pouring out my emotions. into the mic.

telling my story.

etc. etc. obviously i need to work on my rhymes.

yeah. that’s nice.

i just need a sweet rapper name.

kangzilla?

lil fried rice? no.

big and angry asian? no. that just describes me.

lil kang? no. then where is the big one? one might ask.

MC k? not bad.

Snow? because i am cooler than rain.

James Kang? no. because that just sounds like a lawyer or doctor.

lil jk? it is not bad. a pun of sorts. little. jk. just kidding, b/c i am actually big. and it is also my initials. i guess it just takes too much explanation to be cool.

egg poo young? not bad. not sure how seriously i will be taken. i know i will crack up every time i hear it.

general gau? no. i don’t want every chinese restaurant or China or decedents of the general and his wonderful chicken for that matter suing me.

hmmm. i just need a name and i am all set.

a taste.

my last post was sad. i know. well i am sad. hahaha. i guess the hahaha kind of portrays the opposite of sad. but i am.

but to fight the blame i must also delve on the positive and the lessons from the experience.

you know. i did get excited. i did get excited about the possibility of having someone in my life again, where i can make her laugh, be there for her and make her happy.

the possibility was well, really refreshing. i mean the possibility is gone now, but i do hope it comes again soon.

it was nice.

just even thinking about the possibilities was wonderfully gratifying. to have someone. well not really i guess. but the possibility of it.

to make sacrifices and work for a relationship. well the possibilities of it.

it all got me excited.

i mean that is probably why the two previous posts are the way they are.

an excitement within me, i had not really felt in years was there. a spark.

but it did not work out. i had a odd feeling that it would not. boy, was i hoping i would be wrong. but i wasn’t.

lesson: don’t get excited about anything. expect to get crapped on. you’ll be happier in the end.

and, honestly, expecting the worse has oddly made it easier to cope.

i do hope the excitement and that spark does not take another 5 years to come. but hey. i got a taste of the excitement. it was nice.

if it takes another 5 years again, so be it. heck, 10 is fine too. i don’t expect any better. i am just grateful for the taste. even if it was just a moment.

blame myself.

this post is not intended to be a real downer. i will come across as sad and unfortunate, but like anyone with a problem, i am trying to acknowledge and hopefully fix it.

actually, i am not even sure it is a problem.

when something goes wrong, the person i blame is myself.

what could have i done differently?

what did i do wrong?

how did i mess it all up?

this self-criticism dates back to the days when i was a young child. i was not popular. my parents always made me feel like i was not good enough. kids at school were pretty much just straight up mean. i mean the combo of smarts and lack of athleticism are a deadly combo for a young kid (translation: my kid is going to pick up a football and learn to use it before be picks up a pencil).

i pretty much grew up in a very negative environment. everything i tried just seemed not to work. why was my A on my report card not an A+? why are my efforts to try to make friends always rejected? these are the type of questions i had to ask myself growing up.

i am also not asking for any sympathy. i am just trying to find the root of the problem and destroy it.

i am go on blame my parents. i can blame the kids from school…but we all know that is not going to do anything at this point.

so how do i fix the problem? i find myself doing the same thing with my recent hiccup.

i reply the scenarios and ponder upon all the different possibilities….if i had done or said things differently.

perhaps it is simply human nature to try to fix and wonder about the things that have gone wrong. perhaps there is not solution.

but i do find it real hard to move on from things. like really hard. case it point…

it probably took about 4 years and change to get over my horrible relationship debacle from 2006. i mean, ultimately it was all my fault and i still do have trouble forgiving myself from it.

now that i think about it, it could be more circumstance than broken heart at this point. look, i will be honest and say i let a really good girl go.

and i will be even more honest and say i have not met a person where i felt the same way since her.

recently i did meet someone, but it just did not work out and if i was honest with myself, the same connection really was not there. it is disappointing because this girl was also another awesome girl. but it just did not work out.

now i am not saying girl from 2006 is the only girl i will ever connect in the way that we did, but the lack of the same type of connection is, i must say quite startling and frustrating.

is it me? have i set up an insurmountable expectation? am i being unrealistic now?

or perhaps i could have done something differently and the same connection would have happened but i just did not put myself out there?

i feel like i could have done things differently. actually i know i could have. in 2006 and in 2011. but things just worked out the way they did.

i am only left with myself in the end. just standing. dazed. confused. wondering what the freak happened. i am just standing there alone again. where can i point the fingers? no. i don’t want to fucking do that. and how can i?

so i go on the blame myself. the only person standing there. i am surround my mirrors and i don’t like what i see.

it is sad actually.

and i blame myself for the sadness and blame myself for blaming myself.